I've been pondering some questions lately with whatever may be in the air. It seems that lots of people in surrounding social circles that are connected by main crew are getting engaged. While I’m not against marriage, when this type of situation occurs it makes you stop and smell the roses. Or at the very least, question yourself.
Example One:
My friend dated this guy for a year. They met in Las Vegas and knew right away that there was something special. Even though he was currently going through a divorce the two fell madly in love. She moved from the to be closer to him and get a "better" job. She stayed with him while apartment hunting. A few months into dating, they hit a wall. He freaked out. His marriage failed and honestly I believe he was scared that it would happen again with my friend. So he backed off and distanced himself from her. Heartbroken, she came to me restless and crying constantly. (That's what friends are for) I never wanted to tell her that I thought she rushed into things too quickly because one of the things I admire about her is her ability to love and jump into it without over-analyzing, over-thinking, or scared. Love is a gamble anytime you welcome it into your life.
Miraculously, homeboy one day had an epiphany and was like, "I know you're my future and I don’t want to lose you. I don't want to break up, I want us to find a bigger apartment - together." Quickly after the make up, came the move to a bigger and better apartment. They seemed so happy and back in love. While I believed in what was presented on the outside, I never let go of the feeling for the potential to have it happen again. He freaked out once, what makes you think he doesn’t have the ability to do so again? He's damaged, and so therefore he had different perceptions than she did. If you could have seen these two together, you would have believed they were it - mad, mad love. They made you believe that love can strike you out of no where, when you least expect it, and could last forever. Forever is an awfully long time?
One of my tip offs was that at their 6-month anniversary, my girl received a watch. Now my theory is that when you receive a watch from a loved one, it could possibly signify that your time is coming to an end. Okay, I'm an optimist too that it could mean your time will never run out…but I'm speaking from personal experience. I gave my ex a watch for graduation, we broke up 3 months later. I got a watch from my next ex for Christmas; we broke up 2 months later. You catch my drift? I think it was like 4 or 5 months after the watch exchange, they began to have "problems." He started distancing himself again and wasn't telling her all the things he used to. Then one day he says, "I don't want to get married ever again. I'm moving back home to without you." A month and half later he was gone from her life…forever!
My girl's wounds healed and we actually celebrated when he left and embraced her new-found freedom, and the journey she was about to embark on. (How very Bachelor) They broke up in the beginning of March 2004. I got an email from our mutual friend January 2005. If you do the math, it's not a lot of time after the break up. I guess I should believe that it's possible that you could meet, fall in love, propose and marry someone in 7 months. Crazier things have happened right? I wasn't sure how I was going to break it to her even though she had moved on. But when I did find the words to say, she handled it surprisingly "well." Not everyone shows what he or she is really feeling right away. Especially if in some way you start to take it personally.
It's like Carrie when she finds out Big is marrying Natasha. This was after Big tells her he doesn’t ever plan to marry again, and after their second attempt at their relationship. She says, "It's not that you didn't ever want to marry, you just didn't want to marry me." My friend does know that her ex wasn't as "perfect" for her as she thought. People show their true colors over time.
EXAMPLE TWO:
My ex roommate used to date this guy Tod. They dated roughly about 2 or 3 years. Adrienne used to tell me how much she loved him and he was her best friend, but she didn't know if she wanted to marry him. I think she felt that way because she came from a divorced home. She just didn't know if he was "The One." Well when someone says that to me, I believe you already have your answer. So many people that I know who have already taken the plunge, tell me they just "knew" when they had found him or her.
Adrienne would break up because of my "theory" and then she would "miss him" or was lonely, and always managed to get him back. Now this made me uncomfortable because she would have this huge break up and it was a huge ordeal and then she would tell me things about him (that's what friends do). But then she would get back together with him and I would just be thinking of all the things she didn't like about him. For the record, I thought Tod was a great person. A really caring and compassionate man who fell in love with this woman who will never love him the way he deserves to be loved.
After about the third or fourth major break up, Adrienne broke up with him (again), Tod stormed out of our apartment and vowed never to go back. I'm proud to say, he never did. Soon after the traumatic break up, and so much went down on my home front; Tod began working at the same company as me. I beckoned to speak with him and he was nervous because he thought I had "taken sides" and when I told him I was on his, he was shocked. After discussing the situation for some time, he revealed to me that he had already met someone else and that he was really, really happy. Now I had known the guy (at a distance) for nearly 2 years and I had NEVER seen him this happy. He radiated happiness and love, and most importantly, peace within his own soul because he believed he had found his soul mate. Turns out that wasn't Adrienne after all. I found out January 2004 that he had proposed to his girlfriend in Hawaii and she accepted.
EXAMPLE THREE and FOUR:
Same friend as example one's (other) ex boyfriend Brian from Seattle called her up to tell her that he was planning on proposing to his girlfriend. The same girlfriend he had started dating before coming to visit her back in June of 2003. January he officially popped the question and she accepted, and they got married the following August. Funny thing is my friend had more of an emotional outburst reaction to finding out that news, than she did finding out the love of her life was already marrying someone else. It probably was that Brian said to her something like, "If I weren't going to propose to her, would I still have a chance with you?" Um, what? I don’t think so. You call to say how in love you are and want to gush to the world because you finally found "the one" and then you ask if the situation were different, would things be different between the two of you? Why do guys do that? I think it's one final ditch attempt before they get down on one knee, if they are still desired by former flames.
And now for a male perspective: My good buddy recently had a falling out with his girlfriend of like 2 years. Not soon after the two decided to move in together because they felt like they never saw one another and whatever other reasons people move in together. They NEVER see each other; even less than they didn't see each other before they moved in together. Got that? He sensed something array when they were traveling during the holidays and they amicably decided to call it quits. So while he nursed his wounds, moved in with his brother temporarily while searching for his next pad, he gets a call from his long-time girlfriend of 6 years. He too, falls victim to finding out a former love has met and plans to wed.
So this leads to me to my original point, and I did have one, why is it when you find out your ex or former "lover" is marrying someone that you take it personally? Why do you feel as if you're suddenly not marriage material when in actuality you should be thanking Cupid, the cosmos, or whatever it was that didn't make "it" happen for you and the "Not the One." While it's fantastic to entertain the thought that you have found someone you can share you life with, when that doesn't happen it's really hard to bounce back from it. I think I'm still trying to bounce back. My second point, yes I have another one, is that suddenly you begin to panic a little. Why is everyone jumping ship and getting married? Why hasn't this happened to me? Will I ever get married? Because he didn't marry me, he's not supposed to marry anyone else! That's when you have to take a deep breath and look within. Look at where you are in your life, is it where you want to be? If so, do you feel ready to share that with a potential partner for life? Are you truly recovered from whatever train wreck that was your last break up? If not, take all the time you need to recoup, regroup, and revive your soul. There is no time limit on finding your soul mate. There is no time limit on finding your forever, your destiny, or your true love. You can't put your whole life on a time line with limits and boundaries because that's all you get - limited and bounded.
In this day and age where divorce seems to be a simple and quick solution to the failure of a relationship, it's important you take the time to love and understand yourself before you can even begin to love and understand someone else. Racing to the altar can just get you left behind, but what's the rush anyway? As my friend put it: "We're reaching the age when people may want to get serious with their potential mates. It's not going to happen to us all at once, however we've got huge networks of people we know--who are going through the same things, same decisions, same questions, same types of futuristic planning going on. So we've just got to congratulate them for making it to their stations in life and think that perhaps someday it'll happen for each of us.... SOMEDAY!"
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